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OCCASIONAL 

OLLA PODRIDA 

WRITTEN AGAINST IDLENESS, 
AND BETWEEN TIMES. 



BY ROSICUUSIUS & MYSTAGAGOS. 



He must have a barren wit, that ia this scribbling age can 

forge nolhii)g-. 
Princes shew their armies, rich men vaunt their buildings, 

soldiers their manhood, and scholars vent their toys. 

Cardan prcef. ad consal. 



BALTIMORE; 

PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY JOS. ROBINSONj 
Circulating Library, No. 2, N. Calveit^street. 

1832. 



iM 



THE 



OCCASIONAL. 

OLLA PODRIDA; 

WRITTEN AGAINST IDLENESS, 
AND BETWEEN TIMES. 

X 



BY KOSICRUSIUS & MYSTAGAGOS. 



He must have j. barren wit, that in this scribbling age can 
foi^e nothing. 

Princes shew their armies, rich men vaunt their buildings, 
soldiers their manhood, and scholars vent their toys. 

Cardan proef. ad consol 



BALTIMORE; 



PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY JOS. ROBINSON, 
Circulating Library, No. 2, N. Calvert-street. 

1832. 



T5 %1 3 A- 



TO THE WORLD. 



There was a dish of old, much used in old Spain, 
particularly in the days of the renowned knight of 
La Mancha, called an Olla Podrida, which was 
known and distinguished from all other delicacies of 
the table at that time. This dish was composed of 
a variety of savoury ingredients; such as onions, 
beef, bacon, goats flesh, turnips and rare tit-bits of 
one sort or other. Indeed ail sorts of eatables, that 
were known to the old Spanish, were generally 
crammed into this dish, and so penetrating and sa- 
voury was this concoction when brought to the table 
smoking hot, as was the custom, that it never failed 
to provoke appetite ; for we are told that the omni- 
genous savour that rose up from every part of it, 
would so attack the noses of the company, who were 
to be set down to it, and through the nose the palate, 
and through the palate the stomach, that voracious 
god of man's and woman's worship, that they would 
be at once seized with an irresistible desire to attack 
and devour it. We are told, that it would some- 
times cause a smacking of the lips in the company, 
and that at others, it would draw tears from their 
eyes, and cause the saliva to run from their months, 
in the same manner, that the scent of the partridge, 
produces the same effect upon setter dogs. But that 
which is the most remarkable thing concerning it is, 
that it had the power of attraction, hke the load- 



stone ; for in looking over some old treaties upon the 
art of eating, written about the time of which we 
speak, we find that it is related, among other equally 
wonderful things, that no man could pass any-where 
near one of these Ollas, without being gradually 
drawn in upon it, in the same manner, that the load- 
stone rock in Eastern Story is said to have drawn 
the nails out of the vessels that chanced to sail near it. 

This dish, we further learn, was common through- 
out all Castile, Arragon and Navarre, and indeed to 
the best part of all Spain. It was much liked by the 
people, your citizens and trades -people — honest, 
worthy, sturdy fellows, — their wives and daughters, — 
hale, hearty, buxom dames. It was common to ca- 
nons, rectors of colleges, and country weddings, says 
Cervantes; and ne quid mentiar, it was, by some 
physicians, deemed a most pernicious and homely 
medley; on which account some of the little big 
people of those days denounced it as not fit for a j)a- 
trician's board, and would turn up their noses at it; 
but the best part of Spain, thought differently, and 
ate of it notwithstanding the physicians, who are a 
meddlesome race, and for the most part, not content 
with exercising their vocation, which is physicking, 
must be ever telling their betters what they must eat, 
and what they must drink. 

Such was this dish called an OUa Podrida, a com- 
position of many sorts of flesh and vegetable, as be- 
fore related, a great provocation to appetite, and re- 
garded by the people of Old Spain as a most entic- 
ing and savoury creation. 

' And now with this introduction, as to the nature of 
an 011a, it will be strange if we have not created a 
strong appetite for one of them, and particularly at 
this tune, when all mankind are willing to indulge 
and pamper their cravings, and especially to amuse 



themselves with that best of all pastimes, the eating 
of a good dish. And this you shall have, your wor- 
ships, if you have a mind that way. And as ancient 
wisdom has uttered, let it not be forgotten, that it is 
the part of a wise man, to taste of every dish and sip 
of every cup, that comes before him. 

It is related of Sir Robert Walpole, who under- 
stood as well as any man of his day, how to enter- 
tain a company, that he always made it a rule to in- 
troduce all kinds of subjects of conversation at his 
table, from the grave and serious, down to the Ught 
and humourous, and even the obscene; from the 
question of deep policy, down to the turn of a lady's 
ancle, in order that the capacity and the taste of 
every one, both the simple and the Avise, might be 
suited and gratified. Now it is somewhat upon this 
principle, that we have undertaken to serve up an occa- 
sional Olla Podrida, for the divertisement of our compa- 
ny : and it will be a sad mishap that will befal us, and 
one not growing out of any want of judgment on our 
parts, if out of the variety of ingredients which we 
shall bake, boil, fry, roast and stew up together in 
our OUas, the most of our guests, will not be able to 
light upon something that will tickle their palates and 
make their mouths water. 

And now, friends and enemies — all sorts and man- 
ner of men, of every age, sex and condition, we in- 
vite you, one and all, to our feast. Come ye mastiga- 
tors of rarities and tasters of good things, ye who are 
hungry, and ye who are not hungry, come to our fes- 
tival, for we have prepared that for you to chew, 
which we are bold to tell you is better and more di- 
gestible than the cud of reflection : eat and make 
yourselves merry; but let it be understood before- 
hand, upon these positive conditions, that you do not 
be too inquisitive as to who are your hosts, (whos>e 

1* 



6 

humour it is to wear masks, (quum vides velatam, quid 
inquiris rem abscondita/ni, which means that you have 
no right to hft the veil which others choose to wear,) 
and that you do not foolishly suffer yourselves to be- 
lieve that any ingredient was put into any one of 
our oUas, for any particular one of you; for we now 
tell you before the cover is removed, that no one 
shall be forced to swallow any thing that does not 
please him, but that every one may select that for 
himself, which suits his taste or his humour, at the time. 
We beg leave, in this our explanatory introduction, 
also to say, that the dish which we serve up, is in- 
tended for the Universe. We have ever had the 
most thorough abhorrence for what is familiarly 
called a social party, and we do not know a greater 
bore than the invitation to meet a select few at din- 
ner. It is our determination to act up to the princi- 
ples that we have uniformly professed, and to see 
that the high-ways and by-ways, alleys and streets, 
cities, states and countries, furnish their quota to our 
feast. 

For the information of all, we have to remark, that 
no one shall be denied access to our entertainment, 
because of a peculiar taste, or a peculiar dress. It 
is perfectly immaterial, whether those who approach, 
come clothed in "the wedding garment," adorned 
in " purple and fine linen," or sit down in the home- 
ly garb upon which the patrician frowns. It is pro- 
bable, that those whose boards groan under the pres- 
sure of many dishes, and repeated courses, will turn 
in disgust from that economy, which goes not beyond 
a single cover. It is probable, that those whose right 
it is to give tone to society, and whose pleasure it is 
to avoid the contamination of the mass, will shrink 
from a contact with the plebeian race, who may flock 
for food to our festival. It is probable, that those 



whose sources of enjoyment are peculiar to them- 
selves, will not heed the summons that convokes all 
who are hungry. It is a matter of indifference to 
us J who are the caterers, whether any avail them- 
selves of our favors ; we have ever admired the old- 
fashioned hospitality of the southern gentleman, 
whose door is open, and whose board is spread to 
every comer, and who, conscious of his own gene- 
rous impulses, is never mortified by the absence of 
guests. 

It is the opinion of some, that the connexion be- 
tween the stomach and the brain is so immediate, as 
to render it questionable which is the seat of the 
glorious intellect by which man is distinguished. It 
will be apparent to all who make the inquiry, that 
the stomach was supposed by the antients to exercise 
a decided influence over the mind and heart. The 
great author of the Anatomy of Melancholy, de- 
clares, that even love, the most potent of the spells 
known to humanity, can be subdued by fasting ; and 
to put the justice of his theory beyond dispute, cites 
many authorities from the books of old. Guanerius 
(out of wom he quotes) prescribes to the patient afflict- 
ed with love, "to go with hair cloth next to his skin, to 
go bare-footed and bare-legged in cold weather, to 
whip himself now and then as monkies do, but above 
all to fast." It is further said, that the Indian Brach- 
manni kept themselves pure, by laying- upon the 
ground covered with skins, as the Redshanks do on 
hadder, and dieting themselves sparingly, on one 
dish. Now aU this we do insist, is conclusive to show, 
that what is commonly regarded merely as the deposi- 
tary of turkies and tarts, turtles and terrapins, po- 
tatoes and partridges, exercises functions greatly 
more important. 



8 

This depository is certainly not, gentle reader, the 
god of our idolatry, and yet we do think, that the day is 
approaching, when in pursuance of the theory just 
suggested, phrenology shall be exploded, and you 
will judge of one's intellect, not by the protube- 
rances upon one's head, but bj those upon the part 
which we have already mentioned, oftener than 
sound taste warrants. Yes ! verily, the hour is ap- 
proaching, when the " brow of breadth " shall no 
longer attract, when the forehead of height shall be 
esteemed low, — when the classic shape a La Byron 
by baldness and curls created, shall no longer dazzle, 
when upper individuality, and lower individuality, 
and causality, and ideality, shall all be merged in 
one common insignificance. The triumph of big 
heads, is about to terminate, and it must hereafter be 
determined, whether the ventricosus or the ventriculus 
shall have the sway. 

Acting upon this theory, we have prepared for the 
goodly population of this world, and more particu- 
larly for that immediate portion of it that dwells in 
our town, a dish, for which, when once partaken of, 
their mouths shall ever again water. We are not so 
rigid as those philosophers, who insist that the pas- 
sions can be alone chastened by fasting — we think 
that a regimen may be hit upon, to produce eflfects 
equally beneficial. 

Our readers, undoubtedly, have often been lured 
to their physic, (and who so lucky as never to have 
taken any,) by means of the sweets in which it was 
enveloped. — We may be considered as pushing our 
theory too far, and as ascribing fabulous powers to 
our dish ; but we do insist, that its eflfects will be to 
enlighten the mind, to cultivate the feelings, to direct 
the partakers to the true objects of human ambi- 
tion : and if such are to be its results, it follows that 



bitter things must enter into its composition. — Our 
fare may not at all times be pleasant. The dose may 
be revolting to the taste. We shall^ however^ strive 
so to mix it with sweets^ that the real flavour^ if not 
undetected, may at least be alleviated : — and though 
it should go to the palate, as bitter as the loss of a 
first love to the heart, we shall have enough of the 
nurse about us, to give something hke a ragout af- 
ter it. 

And now we renew our invitation to all to come, 
and to taste at least (if they feel not inclined to par- 
take naore freely) of that which our hospitality, 
which is coequal with our means, has provided. We 
have the honour to be, O World! your High Mighti- 
nesses, and Worshipful Worships, 

Most obedient. 

Humble servants, 

THE AUTHORS. 

Written from our rooms in Cock-lane. 
Jan. 6, 1832. 



10 



Mystagagos shows how rnln may be averted from the 

Republic. 

A regard for national character should at all times 
be cherished; and it may be taken as true, that he 
who does not estimate highly his nation's reputation, 
will not much heed his own. Our national character, 
too, has been dearly attained. Perils by flood and 
field, were the every-day companions of our fore- 
fathers. Men without shoes and stockings, walked 
over ice, and had bloody insignia on their feet be- 
fore battle was waged. The women too, did even 
more than the Carthagenian ladies ; and every one 
knows, that they, in the last days of Carthage, gave 
their hair for bow-strings. 

Now, all this is sufficient for the purpose of the 
remarks we are about to make, — to say nothing of 
the moral power, the stern unbending philosophy 
which sustained the Revolutionary Campaigners in 
their fearful struggle. From the time that the third 
George sanctioned the treaty that acknowledged our 
Independence, down to the very moment at which I 
write, the American people and their Institutions 
have been the subjects of gross abuse, and bitter 
sarcasm. The joke of Mr. Canning about the ^' strip- 
ed bunting," (meaning the American flag) is too well 
known to need repetition. 

There can be no doubt, that if the utterer of this 
jibe, had put himself within the reach of those whose 
flag he had sneered at, the whole populace would 
have risen up in their sovereignty, and inflicted 
personal chastisement for the outrage. But Mr. 
Canning knew something about human nature ; and 
knew too, the means that an insulted nation would 
be likely to take, for the vindication of its honor. 
He stayed at home, and our folks here, were com- 
pelled to resort to some other course, to punish the 



11 

injury. Our bunting was striped, and our quondam 
brethren received some of the stripes — there was 
nothing* practical in Mr. Canning's joke. 

It has been the case sometimes, even when other 
redress was in our power, to refute all that interest 
and malice urged against us, by our own acts — to go 
along silently and doggedly in our way, develop- 
ing our resources, and advancing the true ends of go- 
vernment and of life. I have said, I think, above, 
that a man should be as tenacious of his nation's 
glory, as of his own character ; and what would be 
thought in this or any other community, of a man, 
who slandered by a vicious neighbour, should proceed 
to contradict him by the tenor of his daily existence, 
instead of on every occasion of meeting, provoking a 
quarrel, and breaking the peace ! 

The blood and treasure that have been expended 
to build up our national reputation are immense ; and 
the means heretofore taken to sustain it, has only 
rendered more imperative our duty, to preserve it 
unimpaired. What availeth it, — that the star-span- 
gled banner waves in triumph over every sea? 
What, that American statesmen and orators, and 
farmers, and lawyers, and mechanics, may claim 
comparison respectively with those of other lands — 
this is no way to assert our dignity, — shall we deem 
it a proper one ? 



*' No, as soon 



Seek roses m December, ice in June." 

Talk of hot bricks to a man in a fever, of ice-cold 
water, to a sober toper—of knee-buckles to a High- 
lander — of sham sweethearts to real women, but talk 
not to me of any means of vindicating insulted na- 
tional honor, save the personal punishment of the de- 
linquent ! 



12 

Gentle reader, against the duty I am striving to 
inculcate, never offend, in word, thought, sign or ac- 
tion. Let it be as dear to you as the apple of your 
eye, the palate of your mouth, the enamel of your 
tooth, and the drum of your ear. If the vagaries of 
fancy should torture the chime of the church-bells in- 
to expressions hostile to the RepubUcs' fame, mount 
into the belfry, and drag the audacious metal from 
its lurkings! Let not the mewing of a kitten or the 
bark of a dog pass by unheeded, if your imagination 
fix upon them as scoffs at your country's glory! 

The Scythians were a great people, and were 
wont to sacrifice asses to Mars. " This Mars, is repre- 
sented, it is said, under the figure of a robust man, 
with a stern countenance, armed with a helmet, a 
spear and shield. He is sometimes naked, sometimes 
in a military dress, and occasionally with a cloak 
over his shoulders. He is frequently beardless and 
sometimes bears upon his breast the -^gis with Me- 
dusa's head, he is represented as riding in a chanot 
drawn by a pair of furious horses, and seeming to 
threaten, with fire and destruction, every thing he en- 
counters." Far, very far is it from my design, to in- 
stitute any parallel between these various representa- 
tions, and the different materials, of which our good- 
ly population is composed, all 1 have to say, is that 
our little babes and sucklings, our boys and girls, our 
men and women, maids and matrons, should sacri- 
fice the asses of foreign importation, that bray at this 
mighty confederacy ; and in this way, O, babes and 
suckUngs ! O, boys and girls ! O, men and women ! 
O, maids and matrons! ye shall be the Scythians and 
Mars too, and peradventure all three. The pnnce 
of the Latin poets, tells us, that the chief enjoyment 
of the Trojan heroes, who have gone to their reward 
in the Elysian fields, is in managing horses, and why 



13 



may not ye, O, Herculeses, that begin your exploits 
in the cradle, and O, Cnoeuses, that undergo the 
transformation, the moment you leave your swaddlmg 
clothes, make this nether world a sort of Paradise^ 

by managing asses ! • n r j . 

O, people of the east, ye are specially favored, 
the wise men came from the east, with oflferings to 
the Saviour; from the east comes the most attractive 
beauty to fascinate the senses, and to wm the heart. 
Who has not heard of the gorgeous imagery of orien- 
tal composition? Columbus came over the waters, 
and discovered a new land; our fathers long atter, 
tired of the persecutions and the oppression of the old 
world, foUowed his footsteps, and provided here a 
theatre of action, where it was supposed, merit un- 
controlled by despotic rules, might gam the ascen- 
dancy. But even here in the west, the spell stiU 
clin4 to the east. There may be no nightingales 
and'turtles, no cypresses and myrtles, but still even 
here, 

« Is the clime of the east, the land of the sun, 

Can he smile on such deeds as his children have done?" 

If he can't, I can. . ., a ^. ^ + 

O genius of equality! what art thou ? thou art at 

the best but a charlatan. Thy propensity is all cen- 
trifugal. Where are the occasions for the display ot 
the beautiful, the grand and the magnificent? The 
old Maryland hne, were true m the days of the Ke- 
volution, but " the sceptre has departed from Israel," 
their degenerate sons no longer show devotion to the 
Repulic. O, Anderson, thou disturber of the na- 
tions' peace! nullification is the spicy zephyr of Ara- 
bia, compared with thy pestilential influence— why 
didst thou not come to this Athens of the western 

2 



14 

world ? — to the city which gives monuments twenty 
feet high to her defenders, and graves six feet long 
to her invaders? The brick-bats thrown at thee, 
should have been just as big — the fists shaken at thee> 
should have been just as clean — Cain had the fruits of 
the earth to offer, and yet Cain slew his brother! what 
have we to offer upon the conamon altar of our coun- 
try, equal to the sacrifice of thee? Alas, nothing! 
how shall we feel and act, towards our brethren ? O, 
renegade disciple of Orpheus ! O, degenerate son of 
Polyhymnia ! what ills, hast thou not brought upon 
the Republic ? 

Though it may make our hearts fountains of tears, 
so that we could pour them out like water, though it 
may make our souls exceeding sorrowful, yet will we 
survey the wonderful exploits of our Eastern bre- 
thren, yet will we gaze upon them, lest peradventure 
in better days, similar occasions for the manifestation 
of national spirit should occur to us, and we not feel 
the influence of their memorable examples. 

A poor vocahst, Anderson, by name, in the course 
of a voyage across the Atlantic, indulged (it is said) 
in some "' violent attacks upon the American cha- 
racter." The man never pretended to be a judge of 
the constituents of national greatness, — he merely 
insisted that his voice would avail in the fine of his 
profession. The world is not generally very apt to 
advance one beyond his pretensions, but some peo- 
ple are not hke the rest of the world, and this poor 
player and songster, was suddenly transformed into 
an arbiter upon national tastes and qualities. It was 
solemnly determined, that Anderson's opinions were 
matter of deep moment, and that if the population 
of the country, rose not in their might to vindicate 
the Republic, mankind at large would determine, 
that the species was inadequate to self government. 



15 

So to it the wise men went. They put on their fierc- 
est looks, — they threw out their most potent threats, 
— they made their most horrid cries. What was it 
to them, that the poor man might starve ? Orpheus 
charmed the place, not to be mentioned to ears po- 
lite, but even Orpheus never charmed the Furies — 
and should they (the wise menj be charmed by An- 
derson. It was their business to see that the Republic 
suffered no detriment, and they have, undoubtedly, 
by their achievements, in regard to this individual, 
proved themselves the purest and wisest people — at 
least in Christendom. 

Our code cultivates the notion, that when there is 
doubt, the accused is entitled to the benefit of it; 
but this is really unworthy the march of mind, and 
not to be applied in a case which concerns the Com- 
monwealth. Anderson meets the charge, by a prompt 
negative. — One assumes the burthen of the prosecu- 
tion — the testimony is about balanced, and the 
charge is considered as established. — But the bright- 
est part of the whole picture, and that upon which I 
dwell with the most rapture, is the proceedings of the 
Common Council of Boston. The vocalist, it seems, 
pretended to be a human being, and claimed the or- 
dinary impulses of our nature. He possessed talent, 
and his humanity prompted its exercise, for the good 
of his kind. This is all very well, while the man is 
basking in sunshine, he has a right to the sentiments 
which the world says are noble ; but the thunder- 
gust came, and what a reverse was he doomed to 
prove? Mr. Anderson ! (says the Alderman,) "'you 
called us a parcel of ' damned Yankees' — ^you said 
that '^you could wheedle us,' and therefore you 
have no charity, and if you have, you have no busi- 
ness with it." 

You are an outcast, too, and therefore, your hu- 
manity is all a sham, — public opinion cannot be brib- 



16 

ed by your money, and therefore we return your 
donation. Let those, who were engaged in this me- 
morable transaction, see that their names are placed 
in the municipal archives. The tea leaves may fade, 
but this shall be a source of perennial fame ! 



Rosicrusius speaketh wisely of celibacy : — showeth his 
learning in discoursing of its causes and effects : — re- 
commendeth it to all to marry, and finally enforceth 
what he says, by setting forth the case of the Bachelor 
Trismegistus. 

It is in direct contravention of the ends of our 
great Master in placing us in this world, to lead a 
life of celibacy ; and it is no less in opposition to the 
ends of society. We are born for society, and have 
feelings and impulses implanted in our hearts, which 
cause us to be wretched in solitariness; and it is 
only those who are the victims of disappointments, 
(which breed melancholy and despair) who do not 
mingle much among their fellows, and derive enjoy- 
ment from doing so. The most unalloyed source of 
happiness, Ave are confident, is in the cultivation of 
the affections, — the gratification of our ambition, of 
our pride, of our love of glory, are as nothing, when 
compared with the pleasure that man derives who 
cultivates the kindlier impulses of his nature. I 
would rather be that man, who once every year sat 
at the head of his board, surrounded by his twenty- 
four children, and his trusty friends, than Augustus 
Caesar, when in the moment of successful ambition, 
he saw himself secure in the empire of Rome. It is 



17 

in our friendships and in our loves, that we alone can 
be blessed. The voice of the multitude lifts us up 
but for the moment, — ^the triumphs of the world are 
but the things of a day. 

Entertaining these sentiments, I regard that man 
who leads a life of celibacy, as cut off from the only 
true source of enjoyment which is allowed him in 
this world. He becomes in time bitter against the 
world: — his i&ner feelings are dried up for want of 
cultivation ; and the gall and wormwood of his com- 
position consumes him. He is splenetick, and sad, 
and melancholy — tristis et jucahundus. He is vexed 
and troubled, and has no sources to which he can 
turn for relief from his afflictions. 

Hierophantes in writing upon the causes and the ef- 
fects of celibacy, says, that it proceeds in a great de- 
gree from the practice which many parents have, of 
suffering their children to be sucked by various nurses, 
which plants in their system, the love of variety, 
and prevents them ever after from placing their af- 
fections long upon any one object. Hence, he says, 
it is that we see so many coquettes among women, 
and deceivers among men. Children, too, grow up 
with many of the humours, vices, diseases and feel- 
ings of those who nurse them. This, says Robert 
Burton, is confirmed by an example which Cambri- 
ensis relates. A sow pig, by chance sucked, a brack, 
and when she was grown, would miraculously hunt all 
manner of deer, and that as well, or rather better than 
any oi'dinary hound. Hence, the conclusion is, that 
vnen and beasts participate of her nature and conditions, 
by wlwse milk they are fed. Men who are brought up 
by bears and wolves, as it has sometimes happened, 
grow full of hairs, have voracious appetites, and are 
of a fierce nature. A brood of young chickens that 
was brought up by a duck, we are told, were no 
sooner led forth to the pond by their foster-mother, 
2* 



18 

than they jumped into the water and began to swim. 

A want of money is another cause of cehbacy. 
We are told that the beautiful Pysche, had many 
admirers ; that many men came great ways to see 
her, and yet no one would marry her, because she 
had no money. And this I can confirm myself: it is 
the sole cause of my own miscarriages in love ; for 
a fool behind four gaudily caparisoned horses, took 
flight with my Amaryllis, and my Daphne went to 
the embrace of a knave and a debauchee, because 
he could take the air of a morning, without going 
upon his neighbours lands. 

The eflfects of celibacy, are fretfulness, peevish- 
ness, bitterness, vexations, cursings, melancholy, 
contempt of mankind, ramblings, excessive studjr, 
by which the body is debilitated and diseased, dissi- 

Eation and idolatry, (for some men resort to ale- 
ouses and taverns for relief from solitariness, and 
others to false worship) incontinency, and many other 
grievous evils, by which society is corrupted, and 
virtue outraged. Therefore, I say, marry — conju- 
gate, when you can. Seize upon the first tolerably 
decent maid or vtddow that crosses your path, and 
be paired; Be not over nice, but be wary that you 
do not rush into the opposite extreme, and from des- 
peration take up with some Fury, who will tear her 
hair, and your own too; or some Medusa, whose 
looks will turn you into stone. Have a care, I say ; 
— but yet avoid celibacy. Had I a dozen sons and 
daughters, such should be my parental advice. Ce- 
libacy is the cause of more evil than poverty ; 
it ruins more than strong drink. The vdsest law- 
givers have encouraged wedlock, in aU countries, 
and in all periods of the world. And there is no law 
that contains more wisdom, and tends more to the 
amelioration of our race, than that one of Syberia, 



19 

which allows to every man^ who is a substantial and 
honest subject, two wives 

Let the JBenedicts rail against wedlock, and what 
are called the Unks and chains that bind men down 
to this earth. Let them cry out against the false 
Helen, and the froward Kate. Let them inveigh 
against the torments of children, the sluttishness, 
the tyranny, the asperities of wives, the vexations of 
households, and such like: all that I ask of my read- 
ers is, that they hearken to the Mlowing Lamentation 
of the Bachelm- Tiismegistus, and I shall not fear to 
say that celibacy is henceforth and forever, a thing 
accursed among men and women. 

The Lamentation of the Bachehr Trismegistus. 

Your bachelor is a man of woes unutterable : — 
he is the sport of ill fortune, and is despised of men. 
He is the victim of a curse, and like Cain, wears a 
mark by which he is known and avoided. 

Bachelor, that is bom of woman, is of short contin- 
uance, and full o/frowfeZe.— Melancholy encompasseth 
him hke the mist of the morning— gloom and sad- 
ness envelopeth him like the dusk of the evening. 

There is not so afflicted a thing as your bachelor. 
And what damned minutes tells he o^er, no one can 
know who has not sinned against the world in this 
way.— He is damned systematically, syllogistically, 
syllabically, and without reservation,— positively, 
comparatively and superlatively,— unsparingly, abso- 
lutely, exemplarily, incontinently— with a contmmn- 
do, and without benefit of clergy, is he damned.— 
He is cursed in his eating and his drmkmg, m his 
walking and his sleeping, in his out-goings and his 
in-comings, in his house or out of it, — on foot or a 
horseback, is he cursed. 



20 

Bachelors are of two classes. — Bachelors incipi- 
ent, or within possibility of matrimony, and bache- 
lors, absolute, or without the pale of possibility. 

With the first, I, Trismegistus, have nothing to 
do, — Many a weary day and year have passed away, 
since I herded with these. 

With the second, alas! I am alone familiar, — I am 
a bachelor absolute, by which, should be more pro- 
perly understood, a man who has no paternal roof to 
shelter himself under — one who lives by himself, in 
his own rooms, and who keeps no household — a so- 
litary and unconnected being, who has not a real 
friend in the world to whom he can impart his mis- 
fortunes — not even a slave from whom he can com- 
mand commiseration. 

For fifteen years past have I been such an one ; and 
without the slightest reservation, I do say, that I am 
the most unblessed man alive. Like the game cock 
that is cooped up for the pit, — I am grown fierce and 
pugnacious : I am sharp and acetous as vinegar : all 
the kind qualities of my nature have dried up within 
me — I am the acid of a druggist's shop — I have no 
comfort of my life ; and am a plague to all my 
friends. 

The sun rises, and the sun sets, and yet I am the 
same — the same yesterday, to-day, and to-morrow. 
I walk on the pavements, and am jostled unceremoni- 
ously over the curb stones : I am run against by this 
fellow's wheel-barrow: I am avoided by the men, 
and overlooked by the women ; and when I com- 
plain of all this, aU the reply I get is, that I have no 
family, no wife nor children. 

The very boys laugh at me as I go along the 
ways, and pointing their fingers at me, cry out, there 
goes old THsmegistus — old cheese-paring — old prickly 
pear — old spider — old spindle-shank. 

I am a man of woes, and have numbered many 
griefs in my time. 



21 

My life is without a single gleam of sunshine — 
black night has enveloped me all about : gloom has 
covered me as with a cloak of mourning. There is 
no one to pour oil into my wounds. — Gilead has no 
balm for me ; nor is there any physician but matri- 
mony that can remove my disease. 

Like the wounded deer, I am avoided by the flock: 
like the Degraded Seraphim from among the righte- 
ous, am I, Trismegistus, cast out from among men. 

Alas ! that I ever should have been born, or that 
I should never have been trained in my youth to hunt 
in couples. 

And what is the worst of all, I have been my 
whole life through, a victim to unsuccessful loves : — 
indeed I have suffered great extremity in this way: 
^nd yet none will love me for what I have gone 
through — the hairbreadth 'scapes I have made, or 
the stories I tell of my own sufferings. 

This vestal virgin I have tried, and that, but they 
all had their fires to watch. 

I have striven over and over again — I have bowed 
down, imprecated, beseeched, woed, woried, I have 
uttered oaths and vows by the cubic foot, but alas ! 
I have not prevailed. Superbe me gessenm, sed non 
vici. Bravely I have carried myself, but I prevailed 
not. With Caesar of old, it was veni, vidi, vici, but 
with me it has been veni, vidi, abivi. Chloe betrayed 
me, like Judas, with a kiss, and Lydia lured me on, 
and then laughed at mine infirmity, when I reveal- 
ed it. 

These misfortunes have made me sad and melan- 
choly, and I have grown bitter upon the world. — My 
tongue has been dipt in poison, and it cuts like a two- 
edged sword. 

O, I am the curse of the earth, and the tails-end 
of mankind — its very toe-nail paring. When cold 
winter comes, and the rivers and the great bays are 



22 

frozen up — when the snow stands white on the high 
Alleghany, and the keen winds blow, I suffer much 
o' nights. Ten blankets afford me no consolation. — 
My blood is chilled, and my bones are as stone. 

When I shake myself from my lair of a morning, 
I eat a solitary and comfortless meal, that bears 
some affinity to what the world calls a breakfast; 
but it is the resemblance of things not seen. My din- 
ner choaks me, and supperless for the most, I lie 
down on my pillow. This wears me to the bone ', 
and I am but the anatomy of a man. 

My body, indeed, is wonderfully diminished : and 
it occupies but a small space in my garments. I go 
about like a kildea in a barren field, with tears in my 
eyes : I am the child of tears and groans. 

Celibacy is the vulture, that gnaws eternally at m^ 
heart, it is the night-mare that torments me in my 
sleep. O, I had rather be wedded to a shrew, a slat- 
tern, a garlicky, scandal-tongued dame, than thus to 
see my soul ground down to nothing by this grind- 
stone of celibacy. 

He was but a fool of old, who said, ^rt thou young ? 
then mmi'y •not yet ; if old, match not at all. 

Shew some pity upon me, O woman, if not for 
love's, then for Christ s sake. 

Ye daughters of earth, take me in, for I am deso 
late. O that I had hung myself up with my first 
love's garters. 



There was once a time in this country, when the 
habit of drinking much potent liquor, prev^ailed to a 
fearful and almost unmeasured extent. It was con- 
fined to no class, but pervaded society in all its sub- 



23 

divisions and shape. Patrician and plebeian were alike 
given to this excess. And in no portion of the coun- 
try, was this excess of drinking more a universal 
practice than here in our ancient state of Maryland. 
The day has been here when it was considered a re- 
proach upon any man, that he should rise up from 
the table of his host, without carrying away with him 
at the same time, under his belt, his bottle or so of 
vdne, with a rateable proportion of brandy and tod- 
dy, and the alia enorma of a sideboard. And those 
whose heads were not able to bear as much as others, 
were compelled to resort to policy, and every now 
and then to play what was facetiously called in those 
days, sink-hoot : which was the term applied, when 
any one poured his glass of wine into his boots. 
(And hence we may understand the sense of Sir 
Toby Belch's saying, that his boots were good enough 
to di-ink in,) drink was then matter of compulsion ; 
and such a thing as suffering a bottle to pass without 
replenishing your glass, was unknown, and regarded 
as an insult to your host. Men's venters were then 
demijohns ; and the whole duty of man was to fill 
them. Among the lower classes, grog-sh€>ps pre- 
vailed, and the jolly landlord of a little inn, was a 
flourishing man : he Uved on other men's infirmities 
and the vending of liquors. 

"Drink, thirsty traveller — drink and pay,''^ was the 
invitation that many a tavern sign hung out to the 
world, an invitation that was much oftener accepted 
than refused : — And thus by the frequenting of inns 
and grog-shops, was many an honest and deserving 
man brought to distress and poverty, his substance 
wasted and his spirit broken. 

It was not many years ago, somewhere about the 
latter end of this reign of Bacchus, and shortly after 
the introduction of Temperance Societies, that there 
Uved in one of the suburbs of this town, a certain 



24 

Thomas Perry, and in another one of these suburbs, 
a certain Jonathan Murphy, two ancient and trusty 
disciples of strong drink, concerning whom, the fol- 
lowing story is told, which not to detain the eager 
reader too long in the threshold, Rosicrusius thus re- 
counts. 

jfTie Adventures of a JVight in 18 — . 

Old Tom Perry, who is the principal character of 
our story, was in the habit of getting snapped, (as it 
is termed) upon all gala occasions. And these occa- 
sions came round with him more frequently than 
with most others ; for he celebrated all days of pub- 
lic rejoicing, of all sorts, whether religious, occasion- 
al, or political, and of all sects and parties, besides 
several days of private commemoration. He was 
originally a shoe-maker, and was generally looked 
upon by his neighbours as a man rather up in the 
world. Unfortunately, however, he had a good deal 
of smartness about him, which manifested itself in 
some odd ends of witticisms, that escaped him 
every now and then, from which his associates 
(among whom he was regarded as the pitted cock,) 
were led into the belief that he was a man of wit, 
and that it was his destiny to be distinguished in 
some higher walk of life than that of a shoe-maker. 
This impression too, seized upon Tom Perry him- 
self, as he sat one evening, the centre of a merry 
circle, in the bar-room of the inn of the Flowing 
Tankard. From that moment he threw aside his 
awl, studied the Latin grammar, read an odd vo- 
lume of Blackstone's Commentaries, conned over 
Shakspear's plays, frequented the pits of theatres, 
and above all, drank apple-toddy — this last being a 
gentlemanly occupation, denoting a man who is 



25 

served,— What did Tom Perry care if it was by a 
Tapster? — so was Prince Hall of old — and so was 
many an honest gentleman of his own day, as he 
well knew. By the blood of me, and by my lady's ancle, 
now became with him favorite oaths. Yom- base, 
grovelling, plebeian oaths, such as by Chim, and by 
Jingo, he laid aside with his hammer. Tom Perry, 
too, like Caesar, had a most generous spirit, for he 
threw away the vile earnings of his work-shop with 
a prodigal hand. And now, what with swearing in 
high phrases, and drinking much to provoke wit, and 
draw it forth from its lurking places, he soon came 
to the end of his means, and was left, though with a 
full boiler, which he always contrived to keep piping 
hot, vdth scarce two sixpences to make a consolatory 
jingle in his pockets. Now this last, old Tom Perry 
used to say, was a strong sign of the times, with him ; 
and though he was a warm Adam's man, yet he 
proclaimed that it was a much stronger sign of th?. 
times, than any of those published by Joe Gales, 
whose prophetic spirit, as we all know, was accuse 
tomed to foresee a sign in the cackling of every 
goose over its new laid egg, and a portent in the 
drying up of every duck-puddle. Such are the par- 
ticulars that I was enabled to gather concerning the 
life and character of old Tom Perry, who among the 
idle boys of the town, was better known by the ap- 
pellation of the Old Commodore. 

It was late one night, — one keen and biting night 
of the winter of 18 — , that the old Commodore was 
meandering his way up Market street, pretty much 
shattered. Mystagagos and myself were following 
close at his heels, making the best of our way home 
from a dance. Black clouds were scattered about 
in all directions over the heavens, like dark-wooded 
Cypress isles in a light azure sea, from behind which 
3 



26 

(he moon's ray every now and then shone out, making 
it a scene — a magic scene of alternate light and shade; 
for at one moment, all was dark and gloomy as night 
himself, and at the next, the moon's ray was hung, 
like a rich mantle of bright, shining silver, upon 
every lamp-post that was to be seen! O! but it 
was a bright moon that, whose occasional light shone 
upon old Tom Perry, as he made his way up the 
street, reeling to and fro, like a ballast-wanting ship 
in an angry sea, without rudder or compass to steer 
by. And now, when the light side of the picture 
was uppermost, we beheld, as plain as it were by the 
hght of a thousand torches and flambeaus, this old 
sponge — this beer-barrel — this pink of toss-pots — ^this 
High-Priest of gin-shops and ale-houses ! He wore 
an old hat that had once been white, and which in 
shape resembled a head of cabbage that had run to 
seed. This towered above a face as red as a cock's 
comb, in which was marked those wrinkles which 
are the attendants upon a life of toil, and midnight 
inebriety. But not to be too prolix in our descrip- 
tion, let it satisfy the most curious, that his coat was 
short in the waist, and unusually long in the tail — 
more feather than quill — just such a coat, most 
erudite reader, as would have been a violation of 
that especial statute of Henry VIII. which to restrain 
excess in apparel, forbade the wearing o(long coats; 
that his breeches were of buck skin; that he wore 
no boots, but a pair of yawning shoes, with thick 
yarn hose, displaying a pair of muscular legs, as 
unparallelogramical, as some of the ancient streets of 
this famed city — famed for its columns, its Charles 
Street, its Rail Road — the longest and best made of 
any in the world ; its cultivation of the art of puff- 
ing, its contempt of true gentlemen, and the rest. 

The wind was rising, and Tom Perry buttoned up 
his coat, with the lowest button of one side to the 



27 

highest buttonhole of the other. And now he had 
not walked a great way before the spirit within him 
began to boil, for in the fever of inspiration, he drew 
up before a lamp-post, and raising his head aloft, he 
exclaimed, " I was'nt born for nothing ; if I was, I 
wish I may be slung from the Tarpin rock, like a 
sewed up cock, as I am ; for I can whip any thing 
that's to be found atwixt here and the Alleghany 
mountains, that's drunk as much liquor, and seen as 
much frost as I have. Whew! Whew! but this is 
a keen wind that's abroad to night : it cuts keener 
than ingratitude, — a keen wind, did I say ? yes I did; 
and well I might ! So I'll just take a pull on the 
strength of it. But then ain't I Tom Perry ? and 
ain't Tom Perry a member of the Temperance So- 
ciety? that's a fact — I am that same. Well, now, 
this thing staggers me no little, when I think on it. 
Howsoever, I'll just make familiar with my old friend 
for the last time. And now I think more of it, even 
the great heads of the thing would'nt think it at all 

unnatural, if they only knew what a most a of 

a shivering I'm in. 

Upon this, he drew forth a bottle from his coat- 
pocket, and having emptied nearly half of its con- 
tents, he smacked his lips, and again soliloquized to 
the cold silent stones and the lamp-post, as he 
thought; — ^yet how short-sighted was Tom Perry! 

'^ By our lady of the Lazaretto," continued Tom, 
growing animated with this last draught, *' but I 
feel elevated to night, my spirit has got up to the 
very tip-top of my brain, and there sits, holding wild 
acquaintance with disorder, as our players would 
say. I'lji a wild fowl with an undipped wing ! 
Thunderbolts, tempests, come forth from your hid- 
ing places ! — Rise up spirit of rumpus and bluster ! 
Walk abroad, ye whirlwinds ! O, but I feel as if I 
were riding the winds and spurring the clouds ! But 



28 

stop ; — this same Temperance Society ! What jwould 
they do with me, if it was known that I was figuring 
away here at this time of night ! Well, I dont ex- 
actly see what's to come out on this confederation 
against grog-shops, neither. So I'll withdraw my 
name — I wont be any longer of this pale-faced fry. 
But then I've taken the oath, — and there might be 
something in it, too, for the great primogenitors of 
the thing say, that it will regenerate the moral of the 
people, and bring about a resurrection in society — 
which is a thing greatly to be desired ; for it's a de- 
vilish bad set of people we live among here — devUish 
bad indeed, — ^There's too much liquor drunk by a 
great way.' — ^Why it seems to me, that the whole 
town has been knocked into a grog-shop ! — and 
this must be done up, — so long life to the Tem- 
perance Societies! Who cares if the Inn-keep- 
ers do become obsolute ! — They must be put down. 
O, the devil-tempted knaves, the corrupters of 
our youth, we'll break them up. What with eat- 
ing, and drinking, and sleeping, and vending of li- 
quors, these landlords have become as pert as a 
spoiled dog; — they have grown too sassy, and must 
be prostrated. I'm clean for breaking up the occu- 
pation ; and any man that's against it, let him step 
out here before old commodore Perry, and if I dont 
make him weep, it's becouse he 'ant got the lacry- 
mosary bump." 

And now, Tom Perry having delivered himself of 
the fullness of his heart, once more went on his way 
up the street. But he had not made any great pro- 
gress before he tripped against something lying in 
the gutter, and came sprawling to the ground. 

Now as it happened, Jonathan Murphy, another 
disciple of the drunken god, in endeavouring to get 
home from the ale house, had fallen into the gutter, 
from which he was unable to arise, and thus was he 



£9 

innocently a stumbling block in the way of poor Tom. 

A cloud, at this time, came over the moon, and all 
was darkness. The winds whistled shrilly as they 
passed on their unknown course ; the lights flickered 
in the lamps, and the tavern-signs, as they swung to 
and fro on their rusty hinges, screaked on high, like 
angry demons, sprites — mere gossamer beings, who 
at this hour give vent to their malignant thoughts in 
harsh and discordant sounds. 

And now the old Commodore, who had fallen at 
some short space from Jonathan Murphy, made se- 
veral attempts to get up ; but all to no avail :—faci- 
lis decensus Avei'ni, — sed revecare gradum. And Tom 
Perry tried once more, but it would not do ; for he 
was weighed down as it were with a charm. — And 
this grieved him; so he gave a groan, and then ano- 
ther, and then a third, until with groaning he began 
to sleep or dream. These groans were heard by 
Jonathan Murphy, who thinking that the last hour 
was at hand, bethought himself, like a good christian 
as he was, of confessing his sins before he died. 

Mystagagos and I, had stolen up close to them, 
and under cover of the night, remained invisible. 
Now, Jonathan Murphy, as it happened, kept a little 
kind of a grog-shop out in the suburbs, by which he 
hoped to make a honest penny as he went along 
through life ; and like honest Joe who stole the dog, 
he bore the name of an honest man, because his lit- 
tle iniquities had never been found out. — But it was 
now a fearful time with him, for he thought himself 
about to die : — and his conscience smote him no lit- 
tle as his thoughts wandered upon that same grog- 
shop of his. 

The screaking of the tavern-signs, and the whis- 
tiing of the winds, and the uncommon complexion 
of the night, made Jonathan think that the voice of 
wail had gone forth, and that all the infernal regions, 
3* 



30 

with Limbo, and Tophit, and Purgatory, had ga- 
thered about him, to see his exit from this world. 
Ghosts, spirits, buggaboos, hobgobUns, and all the 
devils that dance through a drunken man's bram, 
were capering nimbly through poor Jonathan Mur- 
phy's. And now he thought he saw a great crowd 
of Spirits marching up and down the street; waggmg 
their long tails, which were of a terrible length ; 
with their large fiery eye-balls glaring horribly 
around ; and crying out, at every step they took, m 
discordant and shrill tones. 

Ye — who — whey ! 

It is the last day! 

Fall down and pary! 

Ye — who — whey ! 
We are spirits, strong and mighty! 
Spirits, spirits, mighy, strong! 
We are spirits, highty-tighty ! 
Sinners, tremble as we march along. 
Humble, bumble ! 
Crouch and crumble! 
Hear us grumble! 
We wag our tails ! 
Like threshing-flails ! 
And screach like owls ! 
From our lowest bowels! 
O, it is the last day! 
Ye who— ye who— ye who—wliey! 

And Jonathan quaked all over; for it is a fearful 
si-ht to see the march of spints at any time, but on 
such a night as this, and at such an hour such a 
siffht came over Jonathan's soul like the paU of a tu- 
nlral— Horror seized upon him like a nightmare, 
and destruction came down upon him like a hurri- 
cane. And now drawing himself up mto as smaU a 
compass as possible, he gathered himself up close 
against the adjoining wall, and lying upon the Aat of 
his back, in a suppUant and almost incoherent tone. 



31 

he cried out^ " Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there 
no physician there ? 

'^'^ No, dam'me if there is," muttered the old Com- 
modore, who as he dozed was thinking of something 
else. 

" Then," continued Jonathan, thinking it the re- 
spone of some stragghng spirit, " its all over with 
me." 

" And who are you ?" muttered the Commodore, 
somewhat indistinct of articulation, for by this time 
he was by no means^master of the five parts of speech. 

" O, I am the last of the Murphy's!" answered 
Jonathan, in the same supplient and incoherent tone, 
"^^ and I'm come at last to the bitter end. O, I'm 
sent for at last." 

Upon this the commodore muttered something 
which could not be distinguished, and began again 
to doze and snore. Jonathan Murphy still suffering 
under his delusion, was now more frightened than 
ever, and when he heard the occasional dingling of a 
cow-bell, that came from some vagrant cow, that 
was just then going along the street, he was like the 
Black Dwarf, in an agony of grief and despair. He 
felt the gripe of the fiend upon him ; and his fears 
having in some measure overcome his drunkenness, 
he began to confess his sins and to pray aloud, in a 
voice somewhat between the penitential and the 
drunken, and in words and thoughts contrasted with 
each other, by their earnestness on the one hand, and 
their ludicrousness on the other. 

" O L — d," he cried, " I'm at present immediently 
drunk. My name is Jonathan Murphy, but I'm most 
commonly called Job Murphy hy way of short : but 
this you know better than I do. And, O L — d, 
have mercy on my soul, just in the same way, as if 
I were you and you were me. It's no use for me not 






to be candid ^vith you, for I know that I'm standing 
— not exactly standing neither — but, at any rate, I'm 
immediently in your presence, down here before you. 
Sometimes, O L — d, I lie a little, and sometimes I 
cheat a little; but then you know that's what the 
most of us do, in the way of our trade, to make an 
honest penny or so; for you must know that Tm that 
same Jonathan Murphy that keeps the little grog- 
shop and grocery store out yonder, close by old Katy 
Louns. The profits is small, any way you take 'em, 
and O L — d, you know the Jiesh is weak. And I 
would ask of you just to try to forget my little ini- 
quities, for I'm a horribly poor man, and poverty is 
an evil companion, and a corrupter of the best of us. 
And now, O L — d, I've been immediently candid with 
j/on,all I ask, is that you 11 do the bestyou can for me." 
And upon this Jonathan stretched himself out, 
much relieved at heart, though yet in momentary ex- 
pectation of being hurried off into the other world. 

" Eh! what's that!" said the Commodore, to him- 
self, now raising his head from his cold pillow, 
" there's something wrong in these regions, did'nt I 
hear a strange groaning and speaking, or have I been 
dreaming, I certainly heard some unearthly sounds 
but this moment — I! faith I did." And here the 
Commodore's fears were somewhat wrought upon; 
and he felt no little additional trepidation, when he 
heard the fitful and wild bursts of noise and laugh- 
ter, which came from some wild blades and gallants, 
who were then coming up the street, at some dis- 
tance below, with a band of music, perhaps on some 
serenading round, in compliment to their mistresses. 
'* Afore God, it s all true," continued Tom, " that 
I've heard about spirits and ghosts and witches, and 
such like fearful things ; and I believe there's such 
things even at this day. O bless me! what shall I 
do ? Is there no augur-hole about that I could creep 



33 



into. Well, I'll clear out of this place any how: D. 
I. O." With this Tom Perry contrived to get upon 
his feet, and the moon just at this moment shining 
out from behind the clouds that had obscured it, our 
two knights of the Can recognized each other. 

'' What ! Jonathan Murphy, as I'm alive," said 
Tom Perry, looking down upon Jonathan, "^ and 
drunk, I believe, as a judge ! O Jonathan get up and 
go home to your wife and children. Well, its 
strange how some men will drink, in spite of preach- 
ing and our Temperance Society !" 

"What's that you say, Tom Perry? Do you 
'sinuate I'm drunk," said Jonathan. 

^'^Yes I do," replied Tom. 

"You do?" said Jonathan, asking the question 
emphatically. "Now, Tom, that's just where you 
are out of it, for it ain't me that's drunk, — its you." 

"Me drunk!" responded Tom, in the same em- 
phatic tone. " Why, I hav'nt even smelt any hquor, 
before I just now came along by you, for two months. 
O, Jonathan, its time for you to join our Temper- 
ance Society; for I tell you there's no man in this 
town that's got into such bad odour as you. Its a 
wrong thing in you, Jonathan Murphy, to get drunk!" 

"Now Tom Perry, that's talking like a fool in 
you to say I'm drunk — for to be candid with you, I 
tell you I'm only a little lively to night." 

"^That I see, Jonathan. There's but little life in 
you indeed." 

'^'^Now stop Tom Perry — none of your fetches 
upon me, because I don't allow 'em. You think be- 
cause you've quit shoe-making, and gone to doing 
nothing, that you must be always playing off upon 
your betters, like myself I tell you what, Tom Per- 
ry," continued Jonathan, now growing a^ngry, " I'm 

d d, if I dont knock you into a cocked hat, the 

very next time you cut any more of your quirks upon 
me." 



34 

*'Come on then, and try yourself Jonathan," said 
Tom, now puttin;^ on some spirit in his tarn, ''come 
on, Jonathan, just as soon as you please, and just 
see how little I'll make of you. I can whip any thinj^ 
that's to be found betwixt here and the mountains ; 
and by the Bully Mars, Jonathan Murphy, I'd 
knock you into a gin-shop, now, right on the spot, if 
I did'nt know that you were too fond of the liquor. 
Talk about knocking me into a cocked hat, indeed!" 

By this time the gallants who were on their sere- 
nading round came up. There was among them 
Capetrio, the prodigal son of a rich merchant ; Flo- 
rian, a dissipated lawyer; Sebastian Gregory, a hand- 
some, merry fellow, who was at that time much 
in love with the daughter of an old proprietor of our 
State ; Jeremy Sinkboot, who was a sort of butt for 
the rest to crack their jokes upon, and some others ; 
all gay blades and merry sparks, — the very pinks of 
gallantry, and spunks of all courtesy of the town, — 
worshippers of the night, and contemners of the day 
— just such a set, in fine, as would have made a pro- 
per company to attend the levees of the frolicksome 
Duke of Buckingham, of Charles the Seconds time. 
These soon saw into the characters of our two be- 
lated disciples of the Can, and forthwith began to 
set them on one another in the hope of seeing 
them go to blows with each other. But 
the old Commodore and Jonathan were not to be 
urged on to any such rash act. It is true they both 
talked a good deal about fighting, yet it was all 
preaching with them, — and they never thought for a 
moment of practising what they preached. They 
courted words, and avoided blows most religiously. 
Tom Perry, in particular, was as arrant a coward 
and as big a bully as ever lived ; and though he 
thought it had a smack of gcntlemanship to talk 
about the arbitrament of the duel and the cocking of 



55 



a pistol, yet he hated the looks of that same weapon, 
and felt the same shuddering and unpleasant sensa- 
tion at the sight of it, that a child feels who happens 
to tread near a snake, for it always puts him in mind 
of entering upon the possession of that estate of death 
which the Priest of his pari'ih had so often told him 
he was heir to. 

These gallants to whom sport and merriment 
were a business, finding that nothing could be got 
out our toss-pots, were now about to go on their way, 
when Sebastian Gregory, who had a great genius for 
the sportive and the wild, proposed that they should 
carry Tom and Jonathan in procession to their 
homes. To this end, they now went into old Joe 
Farr's ale-house, close by, that was even at this hour 
open ; (and when, in those days, was an ale-house 
even shut ?) and having there procured a hand-bar- 
row, which Joe Farr kept for the special purpose of 
removing the drunken roysterers whom his ale had 
disabled, they stretched out our fatigued heroes, side 
by side, upon it. The whole company was now ar- 
ranged, four of them were stationed at the hand-bar- 
row, the musicians were placed in the van, and the 
rest follow edtwo and two in funereal order. The 
music now struck up a slow and solemn dirge ; and 
the whole procession moved forwards towards Tom 
Perry's house in the suburbs. The aspect of the 
night had by this time changed again, the clouds had 
gathered thick and lowering, and the wind blowing 
wilder than before, the rain and sleet that had begun 
to fall, was driven about in all directions; and it 
seemed that the whole thirty-two winds of heaven 
were blowing at the same time, and all in different 
ways. The good honest people of the town, as our 
blades went along, were alarmed, and thrust their 
heads out of their windows in their night caps, to see. 



36 

if they could, in the gloom of the night, what it was 
that thus broke in upon the quiet of their slumbers. 
The watchmen, as they passed, stepped aside, and 
supposing it to be some burial procession, though 
wondering much, suffered them to pass unmolested. 
And Tom and Jonathan, all this while, Uy like wean- 
ed men taking their rest, and they said not a word, 
and they moved not a leg, as they were borne along. 
The dogs, as our solemn farce proceeded, were all 
brought forth from their kennels at the sound of the 
music, and as dogs are wont to do, they all sent forth 
a long and prolonged howl. But our gallants went 
on, and heeded not the uplifted windows, nor the 
wondering watchmen, nor the howling dogs; and 
after a protracted walk of some half an hour or so, 
they arrived at the door of Tom Perry's crazy 
dvvelhng, now creaking and ratthng from the playing 
of the winds about its doors and windows. Here 
they halted, and, the music still playing, shouldered 
our two unfortunate into the house. — ^They gently 
laid them down together, in one corner of the only 
room of the lowermost story^ and covering them up 
each in a blanket, they placed the candle, now 
burning low in tlie socket, on the cold hearth stone, 
and then — left them alone in tlieir glory. 

Having seen these sons of Bacchus to the end of 
the play, Mystagagos and I, then for the first time 
remembered, that we had often heard the old gran- 
dams and chimney-corner croakers of our neighbour- 
hood say, that these night airs were none of the 
whoUsomest ; that they bred fevers and colds, and 
maladies of the brain and bones:— and so we betook 
ourselves, with a careful regard for our health, to 
our habitation in Cock-lane, just as the early cock 
and a neighbouring jack-ass were proclaiming, each 
in his own peculiar way, the approach of day. 



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